This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
