this beer tastes like vomit already
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
