Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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