Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize