i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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