I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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