Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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