I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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