Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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