So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
