Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
