My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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