He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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