benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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