I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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