I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My liver just had a heart attack.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
