I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
