I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
