all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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