I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
