I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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