i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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