wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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