i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
