My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
