My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
