i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
