You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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