Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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