he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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