If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
