You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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