I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
