girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
