end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
