god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
