Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
