Sry I called you an 8
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
