508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Porn is love you can see.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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