I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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