we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
