you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
