remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
