What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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