8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
