There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
