and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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