And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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