I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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