it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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