stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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