So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
