gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Randomize
