the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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