I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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