This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
