The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
