Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
