i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
